unexpected...

It has been a few months since we last posted. We have been waiting for Dossier approval and we got word from our agency on May 29th.

Simply put Colombia has closed their adoption  program to anyone who does not have an approved Dossier. We do not have an approved Dossier so our dream of adopting a Colombian baby is over. Our dream to be parents to an unwanted child, OVER. There is nothing we can do.

Daniel and I are devistated, shocked, and greiving the loss of our baby. For 3 years I/We have carried this baby and now she is gone. We never got to meet her, hold her, or cuddle her. We do... love her! We are now among the thousands of people who have lost a child. I will think of our Colombian baby every day for the rest of my life.

We cannot even begin to put into words our feelings. Daniel is heartbroken, and shocked. However, he is the most incredibly strong and supportive person I know. He is holding us together. As for me, I am not really doing well. All I can say is I have lost our baby. 

This has been a roller coaster ride, filled with sickness, extreme highs and lows, crazy twists and turns, and confusion. But the thing keeping us going was knowing at the end we would be holding our little Colombian baby. Now, we will never get to. 

As for what's next.... we wait. We heal. We grieve. We hope God has a new story for us.

"The Life Changer" the roller coaster of adoption

Each family who choses to adopt is actually stepping on a roller coaster. Some rides may turn out to be a fair ride, some may be a wooden roller coaster, and some..... may be the most death defying innovative ride ever created. Now if you like roller coasters the death defying ride sounds like a blast right?! It may make you a little sick after you ride it, but the thrill outweighs the moment of sickness and you actually want to ride it again, and maybe even 3 times. But, at the end of the day, the park closes you step off the ride and go home. Even though it is fun, you don't really want to spend days, weeks, months, or years constantly riding the ups, downs and turns of the ride. Now you may say, "what does a roller coaster have to do with adoption?" Well let me tell you.....

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote because it has taken me some time to regain strength. As well as this year was starting, things have changed. If you look at our timeline our Dossier has been translated since last August. The next step was to have a IAPA (adoption house) accept our Dossier. We have been waiting, and waiting, and what feels like waiting. Unfortunately, things are not really progressing in country.

                              Passing the time with friends.
 We were faced with a very big decision. We could continue to wait for a IAPA ( which we have already been waiting for one to accept us for 8 months) or we could submit our Dossier to ICBF ( which is similar to the US social services department). We could hope that a IAPA would start accepting families, or we could submit with ICBF and have an approved Dossier in approximately 60 days. The reason we selected to go with a IAPA was because we were advised that it would be a better fit for our case and the wait times at IAPA's was less! Once ICBF approves a dossier the wait time is 4 years.  Not ideal, especially when we have already been waiting 2 years.

This was such a heart wrenching decision. We felt like our hands were tied. We felt devistated that we could potentially have to wait 6 years for our baby, when we were expecting 2- 2 1/2 years. We could continue to wait for a IAPA to accept us or we could send our Dossier to ICBF and get it approved. If we sent it to ICBF we would not be able to to transfer it to a IAPA until it was approved, approximately 60+ days.  So after tears, we decided to submit out Dossier to ICBF.

A month ago things seemed positive. God was talking to me, I had peace about our current waiting and now I feel heartbroken, sick to my stomach and like this roller coaster will never end. I ask God "will you, will you give us a baby?" " Is this too big for you?" I cannot tell you I know the answer. I can tell you that even in the pain, I am committed.

Walking through closed doors.....

It has been a while since we last posted. Overall not too much has changed. We have been talking with our agency a lot the past month just trying to stay connection and aware of what`s going on. Here is what we do know. This year is starting out A LOT better than last year! 2012 was a very difficult year with not really any forward movement, but 2013 feels more like we are moving and in a good direction.

Today one of our good friends and fellow adoptive parents are heading to Florida. Their beautiful baby boy will be born on Friday!!! So excited for them. We are praying for health peace and protection for thr entire Milan family!!

I was reading John this morning and it brought me some real hope. I have read the crucifiction and resurrection story hundreds of times, but a few words just really jumped out at me. To set the stage, let me give you my version of what was happening. (The story can be found in John 20) .

Jesus has just resurrected and is going to see his disciples. It says the disiples are hanging out together but are scared of the Jews so their door is locked. Ok, I totally get why the disciples are scared. They have just watched their own people turn on Jesus and fight FOR him to be murdered. They have lost their teacher, leader and friend. That is a lot of loss to deal with! So Jesusi on his way to see his friends and whem he arrives the door is locked. So Jesus walks through the locked door! hmmmm The disciples were sitting in fear and Jesus walks through a locked door.

Later that week the disiples are hanging out again( behind a locked door of course) and "Jesus came through the locked door". There is something so powerful about how when we are scared, no,  down right terrified God STILL comes chasing after us. So we go in fear and we are still covered and protected. The other really cool thing is both times Jesus walked through the locked door the first thing he said was " Peace to you"!

So today I am sitting in a place of "Peace to you" and resting in the fact that no matter how scared I am and no matter how much I lock myself away, Jesus will walk through a locked door to find and comfort me.

Renewed Mind

One thing, that I think, almost everyone adopting would agree is that adoption is hard.  Definitely not for the weak at heart. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not at all complaining! Rather I have such an appreciation for every family who has adopted or is in the process. Adoption is beautiful in every way!

When I look at the landscape of what it takes to adopt it is for sure an overwhelming experience. I don't think I have really talked too much about the "process" of adoption. This morning I was feeling a lot about how difficult adoption is. I thought I would share some of the details of our and share the hope I received while reading.

 Why adoption?

Each families adoption story looks a little different. The desire to adopt can come from a few places. For us, it was God breathed, and rooted in our hearts. I feel like we are in a small minority of people adopting because we do not have any biological children, and we do not have fertility issues. So our pre-adoption story is simply this: we have a passion for the fatherless(and motherless) and we believe God has a baby for us. He will create our forever family and it will be remarkable. 

Now all that being said, I will say that we are quickly approaching the 2 year wait time mark (which we were told the process would take 2 and 1/2 years total!!!) and the passing time has made it difficult. I am going to be transparent her. . . I have had the thought, "are we doing what we are called to do...I mean if we got pregnant right now the wait time would be set in stone. . .9 months" Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes and in that moment that follows my doubt, I KNOW we are supposed to be adopting. As always, we think life is about us and if we control it then it's easy. But both of our past experiences have shown us that  good (in our case wonderful amazing) things come to those who wait. So we wait!

Oh my gosh, how much does adoption cost?

One of the scariest most daunting parts of adoption is the expense. This has been such a faith builder for us! Let me just say God is sooooooooooooooo big and no matter what we think can or cannot happen God is bigger. I will do a post about resources at a later date so people can see how adoption can happen. But for this post I will say the cost of adoption is SO high. We have applied for grants ( which was another mound of paper work on top of the mounds of adoption paper work). I applied for 15 grants!!! WOWZA! Some have worked out and most didn't work out. 

So my mom is an expert seamstress! She made a lot of our clothes growing up (did I mention I grew up in tiny town). When we told our families we were adopting, I knew my mom's gifts could help us raise money. I read about this idea of making bags (we call it Messengers of Love) to help raise money for the adoption. My mom has totally taken control and is making bags left and right! My sister-in-law works for a furniture company and she has donated a TON of really cool fabrics! I am going to post some pictures and if you would like to buy one you can leave a comment with your email and I will contact you:) This would mean sooo much to us. The cost is $40 and all the proceeds go towards bringing our baby home. You can check out one of our first posts if you want to read more about Messengers of Love.

 Renewed Mind

I was reading( In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day) this morning  and something he said lept off the page and brought me to tears. In it he said, " Reframing problems is about shifting focus (I would add shifting focus from our head to our hearts). You stop focusing on WHAT'S WRONG with your circumstances. And you start focusing on WHAT'S RIGHT WITH GOD." It seems like so easily we forget how absolutely adored we are by God. He looks down on us daily and says, this is my son, or daughter in whom I am well pleased! He fulfilled the law by sacraficing HIS Son, because He loved me and you soooo much. I want to spend my moments renewed and focused not on what's wrong with me but what's right with God!!!

Sorry so long. . .

First I want to say sorry for having such a delay in the blog posts:( A LOT has changed... some not really for the best. Check out the timeline at the side to see some general updates.

So after our Dossier was translated we were waiting for our next step, which was getting assigned and accepted by a IAPA (private adoption house). In October we were with out a placement and beginning to get nervous. I guess for good reason. 
 Basically adoption was getting a bad wrap in the country and we were seeing a lot of changes in how adoption was seen and processed. In November we received a call that really shook us.

Our caseworker basically said that because of all the changes NONE of the IAPA's were accepting new families. For how long we were not sure. I felt like someone had just taken all the air out of my lungs. Also, we had to decide if we wanted to change over to the ICBF process- which is like their social services program. ICBF's wait time is more like 4 years!!!  

 THE EMOTIONAL PART

This hit me like a ton of bricks and I will try my best to paint the picture of what this was like for me but I may fall short. 

In all this I have had faithful confidence in God and his ability to bring us the baby we feel He has for us. In my heart, I had a loose plan charted out of how we would get accepted by a IAPA in 2012, then hopefully by June or so we would get a referral and then after Daniel graduated we would travel and pick up our baby! Sounds good right?! This was my plan, and here is the problem: God doesn't work around MY plan. His ways are higher and His plan is greater. I know that but when we got this news in November, I felt all the hope, faith and security ripped away. I had a loose plan, and I felt really sure that it would generally happen that way and in 1 conversation it was all gone. I know this may sound extreme but 2012 was not really filled with much good news for us in the adoption and in our world and this was the cherry on the sundae. 

I am not sure I can begin to explain the pain I felt. This may seem extreme to some but I felt like I had miscarried. I had been carrying around this hope, hope for our baby, that was wrapped up in a plan and now all that was gone. I was devastated. Had God forgot our address? I don't know if this was wrong, but I felt like the plan was what was giving me the strength to go through this difficult adoption process. Now what? 
  
It has been a few months now and I am trying to have peace in the uncertianty and trust that God has a plan. I remind myself every day that I am a daughter of the King and doesn't a father desire to give everything to His daughter!  

PASSING THE TIME

Here are some pictures of baby stuff one of our dear friends gave us. To pass the time I have put it all away in our garage and painted the crib an antique white. 
 











Thank you to everyone praying and believing for us in this journey.